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You Are The Reason My Middle Finger Was Created.
I don`t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I`m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
I gave my dog a middle name today, so he knows when he`s really in trouble.
When I squeeze a tube of `whitening toothpaste` and it’s blue, I’m like, well this is off to a bad start.
Sometimes you`ve got to ask yourself: `Why am I talking to myself?`
When I was a kid I remember I fell asleep in the couch and woke up in the bed, now I fall asleep in the couch and wake up on the floor.
Oh cool! ... I really do not care.
Tip of the day: When the cop asks you if you had anything to drink in the last 24 hours, do NOT ask them for the time... trust me
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There`s no episode where a man asks a woman `what`s wrong?`
FACT: How kids feel about snow days is the exact opposite of how parents feel about snow days.
I`d like to share my innermost thoughts and feelings with all of you, but I`m afraid they`ll be used against me in court someday.
On the 14th of December I`m going to call people and say "7 Days" then hang up...
I wish college was 5 easy payments of $19.99
I’m thinking there’s some type of filter that prevents normal people from like my page