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You never know whats going on in your life until you’re f*cked up.
You can`t fix stupid but you can divorce it
I may love you...but everyone else thinks you suck! I was kidding... I think you suck too.
I`ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
We can`t cure cancer, diabetes or PMS, but we have 10 different pills to make a mans happy place bigger.
It`s all fun and games until the cops show up.
Steve Jobs` text was meant to say: "I reign as CEO of Apple" Iphone autocorrect strikes again!
Children fill a void in your life that you never knew existed. And promptly destroy everything else.
Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy? Me: You have those here?!
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
What I lack in sex appeal I make up in staying home and drinking.
The more I drink the better my Idea`s seem to get.
According to WebMD, MedicineNet, Healthline, Mayo Clinic, Symptom Checker, NetDoctor, MedlinePlus, Johns Hopkins and InfoMedNet, I`m OCD.
The best part about living by myself is not having to explain why I fell asleep on the kitchen counter… naked… again.
People at airports must not workout much because they are all using these treadmills wrong...