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We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
“A body at rest tends to stay at rest” should be an acceptable excuse for missing work.
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I`m supposed to stop reading the internet.
I hate it when I’m singing along to a song, and the artist gets it wrong.
I am having one of those days where my middle finger answers every question.
When buying a flat screen tv, always remember to put the box in your neighbor’s trash so you don’t get robbed.
Forecast for tonight: Alcohol, low standards, and poor decisions.
Last night I got so drunk I blacked out for two hours, but then I realized I’d just put my hoodie on backwards
I haven`t seen any new Bigfoot pictures in a while... I hope he`s OK.
Missing my childhood super-powers, when I could sleep on the couch and wake up in bed.
I wish "You idiot" was an appropriate way to end a work email.
It`s all rainbows and sunshine until he breaks your heart, then it`s voodoo dolls and arson reports.
If anybody in North America needs a napkin, hit me up. I should have enough in my car’s glovebox for each of you.
Me and my cat have been staring at each other for so long I forgot which one of us is stoned.
Whoever said "Just showing up is half the battle" (a) didn`t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.