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AA meetings would be better if AA stood for Alcohol Afterwards
Damn it. I missed the number of the day on Sesame Street and now I don`t know how many pills to take.
I just told my brother he was adopted, his response was, "At least they picked me"
Hey dude who flipped me off in the Subway parking lot for honking at you, you left your dinner on top of your car.
When it comes to bug protection, you just can`t beat "OFF!".
Music that is meant to be played at a reasonable volume is completely pointless.
The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself "do I want to see it?" If you do, it`s not on Netflix.
McDonald’s Management Rule #23: “The employee with the most severe accent or speech impediment must work the drive-thru at all times.”
Million dollar idea: A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
In order for three people to keep a secret, two must be dead!
I wonder if pet products are tested on humans?
I just wish the automatic paper towel dispensers were half as sensitive as the automatic flushers.
The restraining order doesn`t mean we can`t hangout. It just says I can`t get within 50 ft of you. So you wanna play catch or frisbee or something?
I said my wife`s name three times in front of the bathroom mirror and now my wallet`s empty...
I don`t fear death... It happens to everyone. I just hope when I am dead and buried, I don`t vote Democrat.