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My kids keep bugging me about dinner even after I told them I already ate...
Why does this membership application to the YMCA not have "The Village People" as an option for "How did you hear about us?"
Man what a day. I pulled my groin...for like 20 minutes.
“Get your panties in a bunch” would make a great slogan at Costco.
Anyone else find it odd that on Star Trek, when they say "to boldly go where no one has gone before", when they get there, they always meet someone?
Make Monday More Fun: Unplug the copier at work and put a sign on it that says “Now Voice Activated!” Sit back and watch the magic unfold..
A court date is still technically a date, right?
I`ve never watched CSI because I learned everything I need to know about solving crimes from watching Scooby Doo
Being ‘clean and sober’ means I’ve showered and I’m headed to the liquor store.
I cannot turn water into wine but, I can turn ice cream into breakfast so that’s pretty neat.
Autocorrect changed "you`re so wise" to "you`re so wide", and now I need to find a good hiding spot before my wife comes home.
That urge you get to write "No one gives a sh!t" on someone`s status..
I’m going to start wearing Summer’s Eve as a cologne. The vast majority of beautiful women seem to be attracted to douches.
Not a day goes by when I don`t try to use The Force.
I know you’re supposed to have 3 balanced meals a day, but how many can I have at night?