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If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she`s practising for her next selfie
A wireless bra? They weren`t tricky enough, now I need a password?
I don`t hate you, but if you we`re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
Teens today have it so easy. We didn`t have self-checkout lanes when we bought condoms.
Girls must buy $500 purses just to impress other girls. No guy has ever said "Bro, she was ugly...but that purse...
I just saw a 2 or 3yr old boy wearing a t-shirt that says, "if mom or dad wont buy it I`ll just sms grandma and grandpa"
I just found if you tuck one part of a pants leg into your sock,,,, people expect less of you.
Don`t worry about old age, it doesn`t last that long.
Sometimes I post crazy shit just to see if my friend`s list will drop a few #`s
I swear if my memory gets any worse, i`ll be able to plan my own surprise party.
I`m old enough to remember when apparently the worst thing life could hand you was lemons.
Unless my horoscope says, "You will dread going to work and will most likely masturbate," then it is a crock of sh*t.
Every time I lose some weight, I find it again in the refrigerator.
I always hear people say that a dog is man`s best friend, but I don`t even have enemies who`ll look me dead in my face while taking a sh!t on my carpet.
Porn can be so misleading. I quit my pizza delivery job after two days.