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Girl: What`s the plan, get me drunk and take advantage of me. Boy: Good, you`ve done this before
I got in an elevator with a lady with big breasts. She said could you press one for me please. I did and that was the last thing I remember
My neighbors don`t appreciate it when I skip along the property line, singing "This Land is My Land."
Holding my breath until someone likes this status.
We all have that friend who acts innocent but understands all the dirty jokes.
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
Friendships must be built on a solid foundation of alcohol, sarcasm, inappropriateness, and shenanigans.
Dating a stripper is like eating a noisy bag of chips in church. Everyone looks at you in digust, but deep down inside they want some.
Relationship Status: eating
If you’re happy and you know it, you’re probably exhausting to be around.
It’s never too late for a coffee. After all it’s always morning somewhere in the world.
Yes, it`s a bad time. Let me call you back when I`m not feeling so honest.
I doubt my inferiority complex is as good as everyone else`s
I thought there was a spider on the rug but it was just yarn.....it`s dead yarn now, though.
Good thing I got a college degree I think as I put away the kid toys for the 49 billionth time