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I took a sexual harassment course yesterday...I think I`m going to be pretty good at it.
Five years ago my boss asked me where I wanted to be in five years. I finally know the answer: Not Here
in 2014 there were times when I annoyed you, disturbed you, irritated you and bugged the hell out of you. Today i wanna let you know that i planned to continue with it this year :-)
There is something so unique about me, that even I can`t figure it out...
It is literally impossible to prove that Harry Potter wasn`t just in his parents basement on acid the whole time
Grabbing a drink after work is perfectly fine.However, you look like an alcoholic when your getting that drink at 6am.
Folding laundry with a toddler is like trying to straighten a desk full of papers while a fan blows on it.
Why do people ask “What the hell were you thinking?” Obviously I was thinking I was going to get away with it and not have to explain it.
I always wince when someone tells me they’re going to hit the sack.
My wife has spent all day arguing that she isn`t stubborn...
That moment when you realize the object of #WeightWatchers is NOT see who can score the most points...
If the universe didn`t want me to eat four pop-tarts for breakfast I wouldn`t have four slots on my toaster...
Random Fact of the Day: Letting the cat out of the bag is a whole lot easier than putting it back in.
If you tell people you used to weigh 500 pounds they`ll tell you how great you look at 250.
"That girl is totally checking you out" said vodka. -Bfanch