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If playing Grand Theft Auto makes you violent, why hasn`t 25 years of me playing Madden made me a professional football player?
Sent my ex a card that said, "Get better soon." He`s not ill, just really crappy in bed.
Today I saw a baby with a bib that said `This dumbass put my cape on backwards.`
Some things get in the way of my happiness, so I ignore them.
"Why haven`t you been answering my pigeons?" -- Girlfriends in the 17th century probably
What idiot called it "best man" instead of "lord of the rings"
At least clean up the bathroom before taking your profile picture.
Professor X can move anything with his mind... except his legs.
What age is the best to break it to my kids, that they`re NOT adopted?
Thank you Pringles for being the only chip company that doesn`t sell air.
When your parties have glasses instead of red cups, you’re a grown up.
Just ONCE I`d like someone to call me "sir" without adding "this is a place of business, please put your pants back on."
I`m going crazy! Get in, you`re riding shotgun!
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
My entire working knowledge of automotive repair is derived from the song "The Wheels on the Bus"