Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
Hi, it’s me. I can’t get to the phone right now, even though it’s right here in my hand.
My left buttcheek fell asleep. I`m Half-a$$ing everything I do for the next ten minutes.
Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! -Librarians arguing
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2015.
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night.
Break the ice in a crowded elevator by asking how much everyone weighs.
Why is there a Stairway to heaven and a highway to hell? There is a lot more traffic going to hell
I spend the first half of work fantasizing about all the different places I could go for lunch.
Some days your the duck. Some days your the goose.
Today, I did it hard, I did it loud, it was wet, and I did it four times in a row. I wish I wasn’t talking about sneezing.
My girlfriend is now mad at me because I didn’t know why she was mad at me.
Advice of the day: Don`t go trick or treating at the bank. They get freaked out. Especially when it`s not Halloween
Everyone sends text like "good morning sunshine", so I texted "good morning solar eclipse" ... Yeah, don`t do that.
The only people without problems are in the cemetery.
Get Dora and Boots on this missing plane case now, Dora solves the case everytime