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When you wish upon a shooting star, all your dreams will come true. Unless the star is really a meteor about to destroy the earth. Then, you´re pretty much dead no matter what you wish for.
I smile when I`m having dirty thoughts :)
My goal in life is to have a psychiatric disorder named after me.
If I told you I was a pathological liar, would you believe me?
Apparently, when asked by a Traffic Cop "Where you going in such a hurry?", "To your sister`s house!" is not considered respectful to a law enforcement official......
Some people just lack the ability to realize that everyone in the room wants them to shut up.
The nice thing about being single is when you`re setting the silverware, it doesn`t matter which side you put the remote on.
Dogs are God`s way of apologizing for your relatives.
You know you are the ugly one if they ask you to take the photo.
This cold weather makes me half the man I used to be.
Random Fact of the Day: Letting the cat out of the bag is a whole lot easier than putting it back in.
I`m not saying my wife`s voice is annoying, but right now I`m really jealous of deaf people.
The best time to re-examine your life is when you find yourself reluctantly nodding to the questions asked at the start of an infomercial.
50 years ago you had to get really f*cking drunk to drop your phone in a urinal.
Here`s a crazy trick to avoid looking fat in pictures: Lose weight.