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I really would love to see two mimes arguing.
I´m the kind of person that when my feet hit the ground each morning the devil says, "OH CRAP, HE´S UP"!
Last night we were in bed and I asked my wife "What would you like to do to my body more than anything else?" She said "Identify it."
i dont drink any more and yet again i dont any less either
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don`t know who`s winning
Nothing like working out to make you feel like you deserve that burger and fries.
I liked your facebook update, only so I can unlike it.
Dear life, When I said "can my day get any worse?" it was a rhetorical question, not a challenge.
Kinda makes you wonder how many employees used to piss on their hands in the bathroom before management finally took action
They say a dog park is a great place to pick up girls. I don`t have a dog so I am walking around with a bag of poop so I won`t look weird.
Fun Fact about me: The drunker I get, the more karate I know.
It`s all rainbows and sunshine until he breaks your heart, then it`s voodoo dolls and arson reports.
I don`t care if you wear footie pj`s or sleep with a Snuggie. If you swish Listerine in your mouth for the full 30 seconds, you are BADA$$.
My doctor told me to eat more bacon cheeseburgers. Well, what he technically said was to eat "less pizza", but I`m pretty sure I know what he meant.