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Sadly no matter how hard you try, you can`t mail a fart. Too bad though, because this would actually make paying Bills a lot more fun.
Those kids in the Trix commercials were real jerks. Why couldn’t they just share their cereal with the rabbit?
"They Dared Me To" should be a legitimate excuse in a Court of Law.
When a bird bangs into your window, do you wonder if God is playing angry birds
Sorry that most of my hilarious jokes are borderline inappropriate. And by sorry, I mean you`re welcome.
The hardest thing about looking for work is the sobriety.
If people are talking behind your back, then just fart.
There`s a fine line between crazy and free spirited and it`s usually a prescription.
Adults are always asking little kids what they want to be when they grow up because they`re looking for ideas.
You can learn a lot from a person especially when you watch them through high powered binoculars, I`m just saying.
I can’t even imagine the self control required to work at a bubble wrap factory.
Life is like “Facebook” – People will like your problems & comment; But no one will solve them because everyone is busy updating theirs.
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don`t have to share.
I like to say "Do I smell popcorn?" right after I fart ..that way everyone quickly takes a deep breathe.
I bought a book on eBay called, "How to scam on eBay". That was 2 months ago, and it`s not arrived yet