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Nothing says you`re ugly like Facebook asking, "are you sure you want to make this your profile picture ?"
I’m having some vision trouble today. I can’t see myself doing anything.
By the power vested in me and by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
I’m better at remembering people who have bad breath than important historical facts.
Don`t be embarrassed by who you are. Unless you`re stupid. Then you`re pretty much screwed.
Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes the reason is that you`re ignorant and make bad decisions.
Let me be honest, I dont even walk a mile in my own shoes.
The number of lies told by men would decrease significantly if women stopped asking questions
How am I supposed to show a girl I like her, if I can’t even make her a mix tape anymore?
My wife was so sick this morning that I had to carry her to the kitchen to make my breakfast.
Stop calling them rednecks. The term is NASCAR-Americans. Y`all.
Then there was the ex-cop who started his own landscaping business. He called it Lawn Order.
Does running away from your problems count as exercising? If it is, then I`m one hell of a fitness freak
I got up this morning and think I saw my shadow. I´m going back to bed for six weeks.
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.