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Have you hugged you bartender today.
Why do they waste so much money on all the checkout lanes at Walmart, when they only have two of them open at any given time.
When I buy a horse, I`ll call it `MY FACE`..imagine all the ladies screaming `come on my face`
Accidentally missed the freeway exit for home, now I’m heading north to start a new life.
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
30+ and single? There`s an app for that. Wait. My mistake. A cat for that.
I was enjoying our conversation, but then I stopped talking and the whole thing got really boring.
The list of things I won’t eat if covered in chocolate gets smaller everyday.
When butterflies fall in love, do they feel humans in their stomachs.
Happy Fat Tuesday! Join me again tomorrow on I`m still fat Wednesday
When life gives you lemons... all you need is tequila (and salt).
Car commercials make driving around in empty parking structures look fun and normal and not suspicious or kidnappy.
If you pour two beers into one glass, it becomes just one beer.
Depresso; the feeling you get when you’ve run out of coffee.
The hardest thing about my juice cleanse is trying to juice Snickers