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Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
If I had a time machine I`d go back to 900 A.D. and just scare the sh!t out of people with an electric toothbrush.
You`re probably wondering how I post so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
Alcohol and calculus don’t mix… Don’t drink and derive!
My wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can`t see the mailbox when she`s backing up?
What is the difference between a Snow-man & a Snow-lady? Snowballs!
I’m pretty much always down for a snack.
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, "Oh c`mon...even I`ve done THAT!"
The dollar store needs to go ahead and open up a few gas stations.
Someone just called me normal, I`ve never been so insulted in all my life!
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won`t understand how many calories are in it.
When people introduce themselves to me for the first time, I tell them, "Yes, we`ve met before." So they feel awkward trying to remember me
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I`m not sure what it means.