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I thought about going outside and doing something today but my Wi-Fi really doesn`t reach very far.
You can’t believe everything you hear, but you can repeat it.
In light of recent events, I have no choice but to deduct a full star from my Yelp review of Earth.
On a math test: 2+2 = ? Me: *Use calculator just in case
I’m like a kid in a candy store. I can’t afford anything.
I try to live every day as though it were my last, and who wants to do laundry on the last day they’re alive?
I think I’m allergic to mornings.
Bumper stickers are helpful for recognizing members of society you do not want to associate with.
I quit my job and handed in my badge and gun to my boss, he said, why do you have a gun? You work at McDonald’s.
Carfax but for people
It`s Sunday or as I like to call it, "No pants day".
If you need Facebook to remind you it`s your wife`s birthday, I hope you own a comfortable couch.
I forget, how much tequila goes in mashed potatoes? Now that`s funny, I don`t care who you are. Oh, don`t copy that part. I mean this part. Oh hell!! Your going to copy and paste the whole thing anyway ;)
This getting older thing really sucks. These days my eyes are so bad I have to buy the Large Print edition of Alphabet Soup.
My friend is showing me her new vegan handbag. I know vegans can be annoying, but should we really be making accessories out of them?