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I`ll never have a kid as cool as the one my parents did…
A friend doesn`t question your motive, they just keep their mouth shut and dig.
Two knives taped together are not a suitable alternative to scissors.
I`m an outdoorsy kind of guy, I like to drink beer outdoors
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
Hardest thing in life: Trying to look happy when no money falls out of your birthday card.
if your happy and you know it ---thank your ex
Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
I don`t normally poop with the door open, but I don`t want to miss the in flight movie
When I get to heaven, the first question I`m asking God is, why does my butt have more hair than my head?
I like wearing glasses because I like to dramatically remove them before I say something profound. Doing that with contacts doesn`t have the same effect.
I wonder when people without cars pick their noses…
I bet if there were little basketball hoops above every garbage can, littering would greatly decrease.
Everytime I see a person jogging I already know they have facebook, everyone on facebook works out.
I wish that just once, the clerk would just put the Monopoly money in the drawer and hand me a receipt