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I have been left unsupervised yet again. This usually leads to trouble & other bad things, please have bail money ready and keep your phone on.
All these people are talking about finding Jesus, finding love, finding themselves... I`m like I found 63 cents and four Fritos in the couch!
Christmas spirit? I`m proud to say I`ve got plenty of that. I`ve got rum, whiskey, gin, brandy, vodka and tequila.
You`re never too old to be spanked ...If you play your cards right.
Apparently, I`m the only one that wants to drink beer at this intervention.
I honestly have a fear that one day I`ll leave my house and not be wearing any pants!
I hope my last words aren’t “What does this thing do?”
Nice try, St. Patrick`s Day, but I don`t need a reason to drink.
My credit card company called. They want me to leave home without it.
Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for "coffee," first make sure she has coffee, you don`t want to get up there and there`s no coffee.
I may be wrong, but I doubt it.
I`m a compulsive liar. Every thing I say is a lie. And that`s the truth.
"Has anybody ever seen a chicken fly? No? Good, there`s nothing wrong with ya"
The biggest lie I tell myself is: “I don’t need to write that down, I’ll remember it.”
Never go on a blind date with a friend! She was so big when i took her home she went to my backyard and started grazing.