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Anyone who says "Let`s all put our phones down and talk with each other," is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
"Haha" - me when I don`t understand the reference
“If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my best” literally translates to “I’m a loud, sloppy drunk.”
I love Halloween because it`s the only night of the year I may end up getting drunk with Batman and going home with a cheerleader.
Cops don’t like it when they tell you to put your hands up in the air...then you wave them like you just don’t care.
Alcohol is never the answer. Unless someone asked me, "What are you doing this weekend?"
This haunted house sucks. It`s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad. Wait, I`m at work, sorry.
I made a salad with red wine vinaigrette only I left out the vinegar and the oil and ok it`s just lettuce with wine all over it. Anyhoo, I`m drunk.
When one door opens & another one closes, your fricking house is HAUNTED!
This patience thing takes forever.
Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I`d probably have done better if they`d specified that they didn`t mean by tickling.
When it gets nice out I`m going to have a roof party and after that`s done have a painting party inside, come all
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
New documentary movie about white trash .... I only saw the trailer ....
is giving everyone permission to steal, and use this status.