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Do you ever wish you were a monkey? Then if you got mad at someone, you could just fling your poo at them. Problem solved.
I miss the good old days when we blamed Marilyn Manson for all our problems.
I missed that one episode of The Walking Dead where they show us how the zombies keep everyone`s lawns so freshly mowed.
If I saw a ghost, I would not be scared. I`d be like "Sit your translucent a$$ down, I have a lot of questions!"
If we agree, I`m probably being sarcastic ... Or I`m drunk
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We`ll see about that.
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
With Halo 4, Black Ops II and Assasins Creed III, I think November might register the lowest teen pregnancy rates in a long time!
The next person I hear say “I love fall” is getting choked out with a scarf soaked in pumpkin spice latte.
They say `No news is good news,` but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.
Whoever said you can`t "like" your own status is just not awesome enough to do it.
I`ll go to great lengths to scavenge other devices for batteries, before I will go out to buy new ones
Sometimes my sarcasm is so intense that even I’m not sure if I’m kidding or not.
I was trying to think of something really deep to post on Facebook this morning. The Mariana Trench comes to mind.
Baby Polar Bear: Mommy, am I really a Polar Bear? Mother: Of course you are. Why? Baby Polar Bear: `Cause I`m fukcing freezing!"