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Today is the day I go back to the gym. Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
Anyone else ever thought about farting into one of those plastic cylinders at the bank drive-thru?
If I text with “Almost there!” I haven’t left yet.
Whoever says "you need two to tango" obviously hasn`t seen me drunk.
Dear Diary, men think about sex every 7 seconds. I do that with pizza.
Hold boobs not grudges.
Lord, help me be the person my psychiatrist medicates me to be.
My life coach just benched me.
I remember when going viral meant having to tell several people they better get tested.
We all need that special person in our lives that makes it worth while to shave our pubes.
Why do we only crave what`s bad for us? Alcohol, deep fried food, sex with strangers. You never hear anyone say "I`d kill for some salad"
Here`s hoping the wind at your back doesn`t come from the corned beef and cabbage you had for lunch. Happy St. Patrick`s Day!
This beer is making me awesome !! ;)
The longer I sit in this drive-thru, the more pennies I’m going to pay with.
That awkward moment when you remember something funny, and can’t stop smiling like an idiot.