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Put that down you fat piece of sh!t` - the title of the dieting book I`m writing.
You call it being sober. I call it on my way to the liquor store.
Some people just need sympathetic pat.........on the head........with a hammer
I saw a poor old lady fall over today, at least I presume she was poor, she only had $ 1,20 in her purse
By the time someone says something in the meeting worth writing down, I`ve likely already taken my pen apart and lost the spring.
The only thing creepier than seeing a guy in a Speedo is seeing a guy in a Speedo staring back at you
Some of us learn from the mistakes of others; the rest of us have to be the others.
I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.
The most amazing thing about the internet is how it allows you, with the click of a few buttons, to do absolutely nothing with your life
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
Is anyone going to tell America`s funniest videos about YouTube?
at this point in life I break my life down into 2 time periods B.N and A.N....Before Netflix and After Netflix
When a newscaster says; "I am live at the scene with a person who witnessed the accident," what they really mean is; "Check out this douchetard we found at the scene of this crash."
Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than "he sees how creepy u are, that`s why he doesn`t want to shake your hand".