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Wouldn’t it be great to hear a priest say “been there, done that” in reply to your confessed sins?
Wanna know what it`s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
For all of you who gossip about me: Thanks for making me the center of your world.
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
That awkward moment when you finally realize what your rice krispies are saying to you.
Was just thinking …. What would the world be like if McDonalds delivered?
Ironing boards are just surf boards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs.
Money may not buy happiness but it can certainly improve the quality of your misery
I`d imagine the only thing worse then getting your period is not getting your period.
for those people out there who don`t know me, congrats your not a facebook addict
I’m at the age where all my posts start with the phrase “I’m at the age where.”
"We`d be rich if you just said one f*cking word" - me, drunk, talking to my dog
Porn & love songs. Destroying reality forever.
"I`ll drink to that." -me to my next drink
Yesterday I fell off a 50 foot ladder. It`s probably a good thing I was on the bottom step...