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Shout out to the new couples still holding in farts..
Time flies when you’re having a drunken blackout.
Why do people who insult themselves get mad when you agree with them?
You can always tell the guys that masturbate a lot by looking at their hands. If you look close enough you can see their wedding ring.
I`m not a Dr. or a Nutritionist, but I`m pretty sure the worst thing you can put into any high fat/ high calorie dish is your fork.
I really hate it when someone else creates something that I haven`t had the chance to think of first...
The only correct answer to "Are you ticklish?" is "I will kill you."
with great power...comes great electric bill...
I spent at least half an hour trying to get my girlfriends bra off. I will never try wearing that again.
How to meet a girl: 1) Walk into a bar. 2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.” 3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.
The skinny girl inside me once tried to come out. I shut that b*tch up with a cupcake
Still haven`t cashed in my winning megamillions ticket...scared the $6 will make my friends treat me different.
I woke up praying McDonald`s would still be serving breakfast but I just missed it by 6 hours.
So far my only real accomplishment in life has been not having kids.
Sometimes, half your sh!t is worth it.