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Sometimes I`m completely inconsiderate to other peoples feelings. And other times I`m asleep.
Screw Folgers, the best part of waking up is knowing I survived last night`s drinking.
I drink one glass of red wine a day for my health. The rest of the bottle is because I like being drunk.
My secret ingredient is letting somebody else cook.
Don`t judge me for things I did a few seconds ago, I`ve changed since then.
Hope you get down and funky on this the day of your birth!!
If you get excited that jumping on the bed won`t spill the wineglass on the other side, you`re probably an alcoholic.
Balloons are so weird... "happy birthday, here`s a plastic sack of my breath"
I’ve found the best way to learn your co-workers’ names is by eating their food in the office fridge
Your screenshots of text message conversations tell me: 1. you have a great sense of humor 2. to never trust you
Thanksgiving: "Let`s give thanks for the stuff we have." Black Friday: "Ok, let`s get all new stuff."
I swear, its like EVERY payday I gotta spend money cause there`s a birthday party to go to, a wedding, a baby shower, a new video game, a new stripper, something. Always something...
"You suck! No, you suck!!" - Two women in a threesome
And remember friends, condoms aren`t always protective....my friend was wearing one and he fell down the stairs
Finding a needle in a haystack is quite easy if you just set the hay on fire.