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Some people are like clouds. When they disappear, it’s a brighter day.
Whenever I pick my Grandma up from the airport, I leave my left blinker on during the entire drive so she feels more comfortable.
Don`t know what to get your husband for Christmas? Whatever you give him, give it to him naked. Problem solved
If today were a fish, I`d throw it back.
Why would you live in a place where the air hurts your face?
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Make your girlfriend scream your name, leave the toilet seat up.
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don`t think it`s weird when I have jam in my hair.
My hand has never pumped so hard for a little squirt. Stupid empty soap bottle.
Being alive is so expensive.
I`d love to drown my problems... I just can`t get my spouse to go swimming!
Whenever I fill out a job application with a box for "Race," I add a question mark and then write, "Anytime. Anywhere."
Some people you know was dropped on their heads as babies. Some were clearly thrown in the air, hit the ceiling fan, bounced off the wall and fell out the window.
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
My friend thinks he`s so smart. He said onions are the only food that can make you cry. So I threw a coconut at his face.