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It`s a good thing farting isn`t as contagious as yawning.
I dont want to sound like a badass or anything but I play Wii without the wrist strap on....
Iron man is a super hero, Iron woman is a command.
I can’t hang out tonight because I’m done with people for the day.
You can tell a lot about a woman by the way she pours gasoline around your car.
If I throw a stick will you leave?
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they`d leave that one on too.
I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like "Dude, you have to wait."
Here`s a joke for all you mind readers...
Never judge a girl`s boob size by their jacket.
Some people never go crazy...... What truly horrible lives they must live
Pay no attention to the device around my ankle.
It`s ok to admit when you`re wrong. Just don`t tell anyone.
As you get older your Christmas list gets shorter, because the things you want can`t be bought.
If you love someone, set them free. If they don’t come back, text them when you’re drunk.