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ME: “We have a problem, the liquor store is closed.” HER: “That`s ok, I don’t drink.” ME: “Ok we have two problems.”
You gotta hand it to blind prostitutes.
I`ve been struggling with my laziness. I can`t decide if I should sit down and do nothing or lie down and do nothing.
I know money talks but I wish mine had a better vocabulary instead of just ‘Spend me’.
I finally stopped caring what other people think. I hope everyone’s ok with that.
I have never faked a sarcasm in my entire life!
It`s ok, ghosts, no-one believes in me either.
I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night.. Next question
Morning workout: Turn on treadmill. Untangle headphones for 14 minutes. Get frustrated, leave and eat doughnuts.
My wife was so sick this morning that I had to carry her to the kitchen to make my breakfast.
The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.
I’m glad I’m me, I don’t think anybody else could take it.
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
If you love something,, let it go..... That`s EXACTLY what I`ve done with my body....
I`m not perfect. But I am better than you.