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My wife said she wanted to feel special. So I gave her a helmet and some crayons. Perhaps I misunderstood her?
You know you`re getting old when speed limits start to seem reasonable to you.
People: What a bunch of bastards!
I forget, on which side of my dinner plate am I supposed to set my phone?
"May the 4th" be with you!
We look like we are being productive, but really, we are just talking sh!t about co-workers and how drunk we got last weekend.
A lie is a great story that someone ruined with the truth.
Passed a vampire, a zombie, and a prostitute on the way to work tonight. Not sure which ones were in costume…
If relationship breakups never existed, the music industry would go Bankrupt !
Yes, I talk to myself...Yes, I answer myself and Yes, I argue with myself....and the makeup sex is awesome.
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
I`m tired of people assuming I`ve got a good personality because I`m ugly.
My friend David had his ID stolen yesterday. We just call him Dav now
When I bang my toe against something it`s like I pressed a button that plays all the curse words I know
No one texts faster than a gossiping woman.