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WORST.... APOCALYPSE..... EVER.....
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
"Thanks for coming" - sperm bank receptionist.
"I like your tree`s earring." ... "That`s a tire swing."
The only way I`m coming to your wedding is if you get Me a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
I wonder how long I`ll be skinny from all this dieting and juicing I`ve been doing. 1 month? A year? A couple of ye....ooh look cake.
If any of you ladies want pancakes for breakfast, just come over....you can make them here, because I want some too
Think about how much more stressful life`s most stressful moments would be if accompanied by the running-out-of-time music in Mario Bros.
awkward moment when the dentist is talking to you with his hands on your mouth
Know what this salad needs? A Big Mac.
Serious question: Are doctors sure erectile dysfunction isn`t just a side effect of being married & bangin the same woman for years & years?
DOCTORS WRITING: "?? ?? ??." HOW I SEE IT: "?????." HOW THE PHARMACIST SEES IT: "Aspirin."
How can you tell if someone went to the gym? Don’t worry, they’ll tell you.
Nobody expects you to post brilliance. Just be yourself, with the occasional intent of bringing shame to your entire family.
Twitter is proof that people should not be allowed to name themselves.