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I hate when I accidentally say "I love you" instead of "I`m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you and I`m temporarily delusional."
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
Deadliest Catch and Jersey Shore - two reality tv shows about catching crabs
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some sh!t.
My wife asked me if I knew her favorite flower was. Apparently "Gold Medal All Purpose" was not the correct response
The easiest way to keep a secret is without help
I gave my boyfriend a glue stick instead of a Chapstick last weekend, and he`s still not talking to me!
RUN? I thought you said Rum. I quit.
When I`m bored I like to call in sick to places I don`t work for. I`m getting written up at Kohls.
I love that moment when I`m cruising down the highway listening to country music and I suddenly realize "wait a minute I can change the station!"
People are making Rapture jokes like there`s no tomorrow.....
If anyone is interested I`ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
Ladies and Gentleman, I`ve traveled a long way, crossed many bridges, fought my way through countless obstacles, all to bring you this one sad truth about life. There`s never enough beer.
If you give up smoking, drinking, and sex, you don’t live longer, just seems longer.
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I`m not expecting them to be practical