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I`ve done so much f*cked up sh!t while I was drunk that I have to drink to forget it all.
Vegetables are a must on my diet. I am eating Carrot cake, Zucchini bread and Pumpkin pie.
Don`t talk to me about disappointment. I had lots of adults tell me they were gonna "fix my little red wagon" yet here it sits with a broken wheel still
I`m hosting a wine tasting event in my home. Well, it`s not really an event. It`s just me and three bottles of wine. No one else is invited.
Pretend it`s a beer pretend it`s a beer pretend it`s a beer pretend it`s a beer pretend it`s a beer.....me trying not to drop a child
I`m a passionate supporter of things that don`t inconvenience me or require any type of action or physical effort.
I`m holding cheerleader tryouts for my fantasy football team
Go ahead, judge me. Wait, let me get my bat first. Alright, I`m ready now.
30 seconds left on the microwave ~ Women: set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone ~ Men: do the space shuttle countdown
While wearing a bikini you show 90% of your body -But men are so polite, that they stare only at the covered places.
If it wasn`t for physics and law enforcement, I`d be unstoppable.
Of course I like you, I gave you that roofie didn`t I?
I purposely cry while cutting carrots so onions don`t think they`re ugly or something.
I think a clear conscience is really just memory loss.
You`re such a slut, the only reason why you wear panties is to keep your ankles warm.