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It`s real cute how pedestrians confuse "right of way" with immortality.
One trenta cheeseburger please.
Alcoholic? No. Self-appointed booze quality control technician? Yes.
I made a p@nis out of Legos. A literal c*ck block.
If you give me a phone number or directions while I`m on the phone with you, just know that I`m using my very best finger pen and air paper.
Just pour the coffee and back away slowly.
Thank you Super Bowl for reminding all Americans how bad we really are at understanding Roman numerals
In paintball, you should be allowed to use a paintbrush as a knife.
I`m gonna hang a Batman outfit in my closet to screw with myself when I get Alzheimer`s.
If my life was a GPS it would constantly be recalculating
I miss my ex a lot... but my aim is getting better.
Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes that reason is that you`re stupid and make bad decisions.
The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn`t even apply for the job.
Asked my wife if she would be my friend on FB again, she said no. She said my “funny” status updates are annoying. Therefore, I must conclude she loves me for my body...
Ever wondered why there’s no window in the airplane’s toilet? Because, really, who’s going to see in?