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Sometimes all you need is $500 million dollars.
Wrapping these baby carrots in Tootsie Roll wrappers is exhausting but the payoff will be worth it come Halloween.
One man`s sarcastic answer, is another man`s stupid question
Never judge a book by it`s movie.
I didn`t get your text (phrase) - I got your text, I was just too lazy to respond.
I found a dollar in my bed this morning... Following my excitement was a flash of panic as I checked all my teeth
I just gave my kid ice cream because she wouldn`t stop crying. Sorry, whoever she winds up marrying.
I was going to do a time travelling joke but you guys didn`t like it.
Working on my 32 point plan to be more spontaneous. Any suggestions?
Everyone’s an optimist when it comes to their car’s fuel gauge.
My boss was all, "Do you know why I called you to the office, " and I was like, "I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom."
It`s amazing how much more money I have when I`m drunk.
Do you have neighbors?.. Do you have extension cords?..... Are you paying too much for electricity?
hilarious
You know that look women get when they want sex ? ..........me neither.