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My New Years Resolution is to be less vain. It`s going to be difficult though, considering how sexy I am.
I have a coffee table in my house. It`s decaffeinated but you would never know it by looking at it.
That annoying feeling when you finally downloaded the movie you wanted to watch and BOOM!... It`s in French. #F**kYouFrance
I’m not shy. I’m just holding back my awesomeness so I don’t intimidate you.
My best relationship advice: Make sure you`re the crazy one.
Don`t do drugs. Become a Pop star and they give `em to you FOR FREE!
And now it`s too hot outside to take down the Christmas lights
“But I read somewhere…” -me about to make some sh!t up.
Here Comes Honey Boo Boo has been canceled. In other news, my faith in humanity has been restored.
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
I think they put less beers in twelve packs these days.
Space heaters are the perfect housewarming gifts.
HR wants me to give myself a self evaluation. This will be the first and last time they make this mistake.
What doesn`t kill you, will hopefully try again
You have to stay in shape. My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She`s 97 today and we don`t know where the hell she is.