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Just did 100 crunches. Crumbs everywhere.
Phrases I hope to avoid in my obituary: “skeletal remains,” “dumpster,” “almost beyond recognition,” “dental records” and “shallow grave.”
If people are talking behind your back, then just fart.
I will always love you, even if I have to from no closer than 300 feet.
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
Sometimes I feel moderately intelligent. Other times I have to sing the "ABCs" in my head to remember which letter comes next.
I don`t have a drinking problem, I just celebrate everything! Like the fact that shirts have armholes, I`ll be celebrating that tonight.
If I had a dollar for every time someone told me I`m cute, I would have 1 dollar ... thanks mom.
If I live to be 100, I`m gonna make up some fake reason why, just to mess with people. Like, I ate a pine cone, or drank olive oil every single day...
I bet it’s called Almond Milk, because no one would buy Nut Juice.
Some people think I say inappropriate things...I perfer to think of it as being f*cking honest.
I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks.So if you`re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
Is it just me that finds it disturbing that you can accidentally make a baby but you can`t accidentally make a pizza?
I`m out of bed and dressed. What more do you want?
I thought we had nothing in common until I saw you buying 3 margaritas at a time.