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I joined weight watchers last month, so far I lost 38 dollars...
For every bad idea you have, I’m always there to tell you…I’m in.
I bet when Hugh Hefner dies no one will say "He`s in a better place now."
I ate too much salad over the weekend so I`m going on an Oreo cleanse today.
Do you know how many poisonous apples I`d have to give out before I was considered to be the fairest in the land?
I always get a nice safe feeling whenever I see a police car and I realize I`m not driving around with a trunkful of cocaine.
It`s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your sh!t together, every other vegetable.
DATING TIP: never reveal how many cats you have.
People who wait 4 hours to reply to my text with "lol" should be shot.
Half of life is screwing up…the other half is dealing with it.
Turtles make an awesome jogging buddy.
Mornings are the best when they start in the afternoon.
I hate it when I gain 20 pounds for a role and then realize I`m not an actor.
If flying is really so safe, then why is it called the `terminal`?
Getting another set of teeth would be much more useful at age 60 than age 6.