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Showing cleavage doesn’t fix your face.
*Removes smoke detector battery *Cooks in silence
I`m going to start looking for the good in all people I meet this year. Except for the a$$holes.
My wife always laughs during sex – no matter what she’s reading.
My favourite part about amazingly hot, energetic, passionate sex. Is being able to rewind the tape & watch it again.
Do you ever feel like you`re in Season 5 of your life, and the writers are just doing outrageous stuff to keep it interesting?
I used to think using big words meant you were smart, I was somewhat right but that was before I heard politicians speak.
Life is like “Facebook” – People will like your problems & comment; But no one will solve them because everyone is busy updating theirs.
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
No, I don`t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
I don’t need your attitude. The voices in my head are enough
Fashion is what you call hideous clothes that are really expensive
How do you make your wife scream during sex?? Call her and tell her about it.
My Wife does this cute thing where she says that "actions speak louder than words" and then gets pissed at me for just nodding.
I always scratch off the "Plus One" option on wedding invitations are replace it with "Drinking for two"