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If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you`ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
life is like a bed of roses just got to whatch out for the pricks
If you`re reading this then I`m wishing you a Happy New Year! Stay safe, have fun, and remember, I like New Years gifts too!
They might as well put "Uhhh..." in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
I was in NYC and a black guy asked me if the Yankees won to which I replied, "Yeah, man, you`re free."
I`m no mathlete, but I CAN tell you that a 6 y/o running at 8 mph chasing an ice cream truck moving at 10 mph flies 7.4 ft if you trip him.
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
I just spent an hour at the gym. I couldn’t find a close enough parking spot so I left.
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
Sometimes it’s just better to buy new Tupperware than to risk opening the leftovers.
You`re the reason I wake up everyday. Just kidding I have a job.
It’s called sarcasm, and it confuses stupid people.
I don’t call it laying down anymore, I call it landscape mode.
What’s the difference between partly cloudy and partly sunny?
They say children are a gift from god. I`m totally wide-open to regifting.