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I used to date a girl with a lazy eye, but she was seeing someone on the side.
These last 7 hours at work are always the longest.
This day needs more tomfoolery!
Can you imagine the reactions 25 years ago if you showed someone a photo album of pictures you took of yourself in the bathroom?
Has anyone EVER checked to see how the room or wall behind them looks before taking and posting 50 selfies?!
The proper way to use a stress ball is to throw it at the last person to piss you off.
If I am home alone, there`s a 99% chance I`m naked.
I don`t get why he counts the beer before he leaves to work... There`s never any left when he comes home.
The only way I`m coming to your wedding is if you get Me a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
If anyone every texts me “who is this” I always respond “Jake from state farm”
It`s not that I`m judging you, but you hung your toilet roll the wrong way and I just think it best if we never spoke again.
Tony Soprano dead....Whitey Bulger on trial...coincidence??? I think not!
To-Do List : Nothing[?]
"Shit ton" is my favorite unit of measurement.
Scientists say the universe is made up of protons, neutrons and electrons. They forgot to mention Morons!