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A cash bar on parent-teacher conference nights would be a great fundraiser for schools.
From now on when skinny girls say they`re fat I`m just gonna be like, "Yup" & walk away.
My greatest talent is being able to watch 5 years worth of a TV shows in one week.
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
I would eat a lot more healthy food if it required no preparation or stayed fresh as long as junk food.
Dear Mother Nature, I would like to cancel my monthly subscription please… Urs Sincerely, 100% OF ALL WOMEN IN THE WORLD!
Maybe Mondays are not that bad. Maybe its your job that sucks balls.
Give a man a gun and he can rob a bank, give a man a bank and he can rob the world.
Where there`s a will I want to be in it
How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word? Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!
Netflix is a lot like facebook in the way I just waste time scrolling and scoffing at things.
I got a little package in the mail today. For some reason it just reminded me of my ex.
My kids constantly yell at me whenever I try take their pictures, and I tell `em: "You`re gonna need them in 20 years for your Throw Back Thursdays updates"..... whatever!!
Absolutely is my favourite nothing to do...
On demand sucks. Hoarders made me fill up the dumpster and clean the house. Now I want to collect coupons and go to the pawn shop....