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My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese`s Pieces. Oh, and my wife`s really being a bitch.
I don`t know how the law of averages works, but you`d think after 25yrs of marriage I`d be right at least once
There are two types of people in the world: 1. People who understand and appreciate sarcasm. 2. Morons.
Do bees even have knees?
Apparently Home Depot`s slogan of "You can do it; We can help" doesn`t apply to masturbation.
Group Therapy: listening to ALL your voices.
"Just so you know, you`re coming home with me tonight." I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
You say I’m dirty minded, but how did you understand what I meant?
It`s only October 3rd and I`ve already beaten the sh!t out of two motion activated skeletons at store entrances.
I know you shouldn`t text and drive but I`ve only had 2-3 texts tonight, tops, so I should be okay to drive.
I ate the whole box of Slim Fast bars. So excited about how skinny I`ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they`ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
No matter how many gross facts you tell me about McDonald’s I’m still gonna eat it.
Whenever I want a klondike bar I just pay for it.