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Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
Men, if a woman is upset, hold her and tell her how beautiful she is. If she starts to growl, retreat to a safe distance and throw chocolate at her.
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
Nobody’s phone is ever off. They’re lying.
Keep your marriage fresh by writing each other love notes like "I considered smothering you with a pillow last night but didn`t."
On a scale of 1 to "Get out you`re fired" where does napping at work rank?
I saw a lady with twins babies. One had a shirt that said ‘Copy’ the other ‘Paste’. That made my day.
I’m just SOOO busy. I spend 70% of my day telling people how busy I am and the other 30% trying to make myself look REALLY REALLY busy.
It’s what people don’t know about each other that makes them such good friends.
I hung a horseshoe above the door for goodluck ... My wife still came home ... Superstitions are stupid.
I swear I saw a guy earlier today that had no chin and all I could think about was, how does he put on pillow cases?
Dogs are God`s way of apologizing for your relatives.
Without ME, it’s just AWESO.
One day, long, long ago, there lived a woman who did not whine, nag, or complain. But it was a long time ago, and it was just for that one day.
"you failed just as much as your dads condom."