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My New Years resolutions are just a list of mixed drinks I haven`t tried yet.
Who´s up for Candyland? $20 buy in
Just because it`s a bad idea, doesn`t mean it`s not going to be a good time.
Met a girl for a first date and quickly found out that her version of "Do you want to go downtown?" is vastly different than mine.
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say "pound me."
My car doesn’t have a passenger airbag but don’t worry, if we get in an accident all the McDonalds napkins in the glove box will cushion you
You never hear skinny people saying, "I`m just small boned."
Judging from all the misery and carnage on my newsfeed, I`m assuming it`s Monday.
Look, all I`m saying is that the dinosaurs didn`t drink alcohol and look what happened to them.
Dogs are God`s way of apologizing for your relatives.
Easy come, easy go describes my last 12 cases of beer and 17 relationships.
According to maxipad commercials, all women are full of blue windshield washer fluid...
Designated Driver is just a nicer way of saying, you can come with us, but nobody wants to deal with your drunk a$$.
Yesterday my Supervisor asked why I was tardy and I said, "I don`t think you`re supposed call people that any more."
It`s no fun if you have permission.