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True laziness is being excited when plans get canceled.
Gentlemen may not be extinct, but they are definitely endangered
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
If men could have multiple orgasms, lotions would cost more than an iPhone.
Pretty proud of myself, I got a lot of procrastinating done today
Nothing says God is forgiving like hell.
I used to make fun of my dog for barking at dogs on TV until I caught myself in the car pulling over for a siren on the radio.
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe. It didn`t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
I was going to exercise this morning, but then all the sprinkles would fall off my cupcake.
A word to the wise ain`t necessary - it`s the stupid ones that need the advice!
Today, my wife asked "would you still love me if I was ugly and fat." "Yes, honey I do." was not the right answer.
Some people just bring out the psycho in me
My favorite thing around the holidays is being put into a group message with 200 people reply "Who`s This"
Saw A bumper sticker that said "Fat People Are Harder To Kidnap" not sure if he was a proud fat man or a disgruntled kidnapper though.
I deserve an Oscar for my performance in "Holy crap this is a terrible gift but I`ll pretend to love it."