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A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
Seems like my body should have better things to do than make nipple hair.
I heard lots of bongo noises coming from my loft last night. It sounded very Drum Attic.
We live in a world in where it is easier to get out of a marriage than a mobile-phone contract
Whenever I start feeling spontaneous, my bank account quietly reminds me to calm down.
I hate how homeless people shake their coin cups at me. I get it. No need to gloat that they have more money than me.
Let me just flip this here omelette.... aaaaaand I`m having scrambled eggs
Convincing my dog I really threw the ball is the closest I’ll ever get to being a magician.
So another day has come and gone and I still haven`t used algebra
Funerals are so depressing, when I die I want to be fed to a shark or something cool.
If watching the big-screen TV with your pants off and a bag of Doritos is wrong, then they shouldn`t have couches at this Best Buy.
Yes, autocorrect, that`s right. I hate that stupid ditch
Think about how much more stressful life`s most stressful moments would be if accompanied by the running-out-of-time music in Mario Bros.
When someone calls you a bitch just say a bitch is a dog, a dog barks, bark is on trees, trees are nature and nature is beautiful. thanks for the compliment ;)
Men use love to get sex. Women use sex to get love. I use coupons to get pizza.