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My death bed confession is going to be epic!
It`s crazy that your brain can calculate where to put your hand to catch a 98 mph fastball... But won`t keep your mouth shut when a woman is angry
Dancing in the 70`s: I have absolutely no idea what I am pointing at
I used to like my neighbours, until they put a password on their Wi-Fi
I`m not an alcoholic I just have a lot of things to celebrate.
In my porno they`d deliver the pizza after they had sex because otherwise it`d just get cold.
Hmmm… Who should I stalk on Facebook now? :)
When people ask how my childhood was, I say "Pretty good, so far."
I must have a great butt because every time I finish talking with someone and start to walk away, I hear them whisper "What an a$$."
Girl: I have changed my mind. Boy: Thank God! Does the new one work?
You can usually judge a women`s hotness by how many times your girlfriend calls her a whore.
If you smell Axe body spray on your lawyer,, you`re going to jail.
Sometimes, even I`m afraid of the things my mind comes up with.
I just threw up my weekend.
Running away doesn`t help your problems, unless you`re fat. Then yeah, run away.