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Better pound all these beers so I can get the bottles in the bin for recycling day.
It`s been a boring day today. Not exactly Nascar boring, but awfully close.
The closer you are to the toilet, the harder it is to hold it in.
No matter how little I do in a day. I always feel like I could have done less.
Why can’t they make the whole week out of Saturdays?
John has 35 candy bars. If John eats 27 of them what does he have? .... Diabetes. John has diabetes.
Karma’s only a bitch if you are.
My lack of dusting will finally pay off on Halloween.
The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old. So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
When someone tells you they are getting a divorce, a high five is not the right answer. Or so I`ve been told, twice now.
You know that awkward moment when you thought someone`s talking to you so you reply to them , then they look at you weird .
Goodnight, good people - and nite nite to the naughty ones too!
I think my smart phone is making fun of me behind my back.
I really hate it when I have to watch the same channel for 2 days because the remote fell behind the couch.
If your wife says "what would you do without me?" "Live happily ever after" is NOT the correct answer.