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Never look back. That’s where all the monsters are.
The guy that discovered milk...What was he doing to that cow?
A friend of mine asked what it`s like to raise a small toddler so I coughed directly in his mouth
Insert coin to view my status message.
Today is National Take Your Flask To Work Day. I just made it up. Tell the others.
Like this if you’re “never drinking again.”
I like people... From a distance.
Please just put it in the fridge.... We`ll throw it away next week.
North West: Daddy what were you famous for? Kanye: rapping. North West: Mommy what were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
If you want to keep a secret from me, put it inside a Facebook event invitation.
Never look directly at the people having a sizzling plate of fajitas delivered to their table... It’s what they want.
Wanna ruin a girl’s day? Respond to her next text with “Who is this?”
I`m sure the guy standing at the urinal next to me, regrets wearing those flip flops today.
Thanks to the words “dude”, “bro”, and “man”, I haven’t said my best friends name in 10 years.
Of course I know right from wrong. Wrong is the fun one.