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Every day at work I wonder if this is going to be the day I accidentally scream "SHUT THE F*CK UP` out loud instead of just in my head.
I`m trying to save up enough money to one day afford to save up money.
Oops is farting in the elevator and thinking it would be silent.
I didn`t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
I don`t have mistletoe this year, so we`ll just have to kiss under the influence.
I knew I`d be a great parent. Kids aren`t nearly as difficult to take care of as my drunk friends.
The best sign of a healthy relationship is no sign of it on Facebook.
It’s been close to a million years since I exaggerated about anything.
I`ve been single so long now I don`t remember what it`s like for someone to be mad at me for something I didn`t even know it did!
It`s so awkward when you get texted to come over and you have to pretend like you weren`t already inside their house.
Girl: I have changed my mind. Boy: Thank God! Does the new one work?
This drag race is not at all what I expected. Are they in dresses inside of the cars, at least?
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
Never underestimate the power of cleavage.
You know how we smack your household appliances when they`re malfunctioning and it makes them work? I wish you could do that with people.