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How ignorant do I have to be before I start experiencing bliss?
Is "drunk" an emotion? Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now...
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
I sometimes ask myself, "What would Jesus do?", and then I think, Jesus wouldn`t be caught up in this sh*t.
Having kids is like being at a press conference: "No, you can`t put the dog in the washer - next question." "No, you can`t really fly -next"
If I ever sound inspriational, one of us is drunk.
I`m just a guy standing in front of a huge pile of laundry wondering how flammable it is.
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it`s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
Why are Doctors so afraid of apples?
Next time you fill out a job application and it asks about military service, it is best not to mention that you`ve gone Commando a few times in your life.
The only time I`ve ever used sex to get what I want is when I want sex.
Cats have tails so you can swing them around. Duh.
Just so you know, when you repeat what you just said I won`t be listening then either.
Mister Rogers didn`t adequately prepare me for the people in my neighborhood.
I don`t know karate, but I do know crazy, and I`m not afraid to use it.