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If the human race has a "signature move," its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
I did 26 situps this morning. It’s not a lot, but then again, how many times can someone snooze an alarm clock ?
Does ke$ha go by k€sha in Europe?
A friend of mine asked what it`s like to raise a small toddler so I coughed directly in his mouth
You know it`s a good night when you wake up with gum in your bellybutton.
Screw getting an alarm system. I`ve seen Home Alone, I know what to do.
My first crush was in kindergarten. I instantly knew I was doomed when she colored Neatly and Perfectly inside every line with a smug, superior smile
After how long is it ok to tell your friends that they are imaginary?
Just once I want someone to make a movie that’s sideways on the screen so I can watch it laying down without getting a kink in my neck.
I can`t really walk the walk, or talk the talk. But, if you need someone to drink the drink, I`m your man!
That frustrating feeling when the microwave trips the circuit breaker and you have no idea how much longer your lunch needs to be nuked.
What do you call an alligator wearing a vest? An investigator. Hahaha I’m so sorry. No I’m not.
Constantly losing socks in the laundry but finding change. So logically there has to be a sock fairy.
When one door closes it`s probably because someone shut it.
Shoplifting is just undocumented shopping.