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Ask your doctor if walking blindly into traffic is right for you
The guy below me obviously doesn`t know that R2-D2 is in movies, not television
Why didn`t Spider-Man`s enemies just move to a city without skyscrapers?
Could you guys just scroll a little? I was really funny yesterday.
My mother was feeling cold so now I`m wearing a sweater.
If they really want to increase breast awareness, why not try a National Motorboat Day?
I got in touch with my feminine side today... I made myself a sandwich.
If you like counting to three, you are going to love parenting.
Unless your "Awesome Sauce" is an actual sauce and it involves putting it on a steak then I don`t want to hear about it.
Everyone’s an optimist when it comes to their car’s fuel gauge.
Watch out! It’s quite possible some of my best mistakes haven’t been made yet.
There’s a reason why “sober” and “so bored” sound almost exactly the same.
Beach people are fickle. One minute you`re the loser with a bucket of cold fries and the next they`re terrified of the Lord of Seagulls.
Newton`s third law of emotion. For every male action there is a female overreaction.
Not everyone understands my laundry method. It`s simple. If it`s clean, it`s on the floor. If it`s dirty, it`s on the floor over there.