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The worst part about being stoned at work is realizing it`s your day off.
I wish someone would steal my identity, fix it and and give it back...
Life is basically trying to meet better people than the ones you currently know.
I had to leave the bowling alley right in the middle of the game. I didn`t have time to spare.
Thank goodness I`m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can`t blame it on the alcohol.
I have no problem admitting that you made a mistake.
Too bored to do nothing. Too lazy to do anything.
Nothing screws up your Friday more than realizing it’s only Tuesday.
God knew that there would be times that a single middle finger wouldn`t be enough.
"2, 4, 6, 8!! Ride my face let`s fornicate!!!" And with that, HR banished me from all future employee picnics.
A mosquito landed on my balls... Hardest decision of my life.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol at my house may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties.
Idea: maybe the police force for a town of 20,000 shouldn`t have access to weapons you ordinarily need cheat codes to get
Me: I`m gonna lose weight. Me: I`m gonna exercise every day. Me: I`m gonna go on a diet and stick to it. Me: Is that cake?