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If robbers ever broke into my house and searched for money, I`d just laugh and search with them.
The best thing about telepathy is…I know, right?
I want my next girl to be crazy but more "Lets have sex in public" crazy rather than "I throw hot coffee in your face" crazy.
Do you ever just get a random burst of motivation to clean your house, write a novel, paint a masterpiece or read a book ... Yeah, me neither.
If you can`t fix it with duct tape or beer ... it ain`t worth fixin`
Some people say a true friend stabs you in the front. I’m gonna go ahead and say a true friend just puts the knife down.
Normal people scare me ... But not as much as I scare them. :)
If you believe in reincarnation then your tombstone should say “b.r.b” instead of “r.i.p”.
I like playing with my dog when I`m high. Because I don`t have one when I`m sober.
A gay man is just one colonoscopy away from foreplay
If the cup is only half full, I suggest buying a smaller bra.
Who can really hear themselves thinking?
"I need to talk to you” is the one sentence that has the power to make you remember every bad thing you’ve ever done in your life.
Our kids biggest challenge will be to find a username that`s not already taken.
If my grandmother were alive today, I`m pretty sure she`d still have her blinker on.