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If I was rich, I`d do nothing all day from a much nicer couch
How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face
I`m one more weekend on the couch away from being a throw pillow.
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I`m describing him.
Your duty as a friend is to LIKE my Facebook posts even if they suck.
When we give each other a thumbs up, it`s our way of mocking every other animal on earth.
Guys, how many times have you said "it looks great honey" when you really are just laughing inside?
I`m not a mechanic so I don`t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
I hate when I wake up in the middle of the night to get a quick drink of water and then accidentally eat a whole pizza and a cheesecake
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I love that little thing that you do...You know, the one where you leave.
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn`t work any better.
Cats have tails so you can swing them around. Duh.
Feeling pretty good about myself today so I`m going to go meet up with an ex-girlfriend to bring me back down to normal
Iām having a free beer contest tonight. The 1st person to bring me a case of beer gets to watch me drink it. FOR FREE!