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My password is SupermanHulkThorGoku, that`s the strongest password I can think of.
The only thing worse than dramatic girls facebook statuses…dramatic guys Facebook statuses.
Sometimes, I like to stalk random strangers vacation pic`s, and tag myself as one of the people in the background just for laughs.
Had to talk with my son about masturbation today...I explained that it is natural, and he should probably knock before he comes into my room from now on.
I went for a run but came back home after 2 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I`m fat and can`t run for more than 2 minutes.
If you really want someone to listen to you, start the conversation with "I shouldn`t be telling you this but ..."
Did you know? If you were to watch all of the Saw films, it would take you 666 minutes?
I can`t help but feel important when someone says there`s a special place in hell for people like me.
There are plenty of fish in the sea, but I like women.
I love how my calendar assumes when I add a 8:00 event, it`s AM. Google thinks I`ve got my life together.
It`s amazing how tired I get from how little I do.
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
Those days where you don`t take anyone`s sh!t ... Yeah, today is one of those days.
Instead of going to Starbucks, I like to make my own coffee, yell my name out incorrectly, and then light a $5 bill on fire.